Sunday, March 2, 2014

tomorrow's the day....

Well, it's finally time. Time to go back to work. No more daily Starbucks and Target for me. Seriously, we all know that's not at all what I did all day. Some days, yes. Everyday, no way. 
I have spent every single day since November 1st with my son. We have only been apart twice and each time it was only for three hours.
Can I just admit that I'm dreading going back to work. Not out of laziness, I can assure you that I am a terribly hard worker (I definitely get my work ethic from my mother). It's just that these last few months have been hard. They've been so hard, and exhausting. Just within the last couple of weeks have things really started to settle down. Isn't that how they say it goes, you return to work just when you really start to figure things out? I know, I know, you're all thinking four months is more than enough time to figure things out, and maybe it is for some, but it took us a little longer to find our way. To say we had a high needs baby is probably true, or maybe that 4th trimester idea is really as crucial as I was explaining. All I know is that Henry and I are finally truly in sync. We're in the groove. We're buds. He's my man. We laugh, we sing, we dance, we're totally BFFs. I love being with him everyday.
I've had the opportunity to savor every moment over the course of these four months and I hate to see that go. I don't want to miss out on a single thing. I don't want him to miss his momma. I don't want nursing to get screwed up (yes, we're still hanging in there). We're just now figuring out a nap routine and I'm afraid to lose the four weeks of hard work and dedication I put into it. I hate that just as things are really coming together, we're going to break it up.
I'm just worried. I know people do it all the time, but that still doesn't make me happy about it. Even though becoming a mother has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, it is the most wonderful and tender part of my life. 
I'm babbling, I know, I just have so many thoughts about returning to work. I know we'll find our groove again and I know Henry and I will still have plenty of time together. I just always imagined that I'd be able to be there full-time for him. I just want him to know that mommy is always there. I want him to know me and want me over anyone else. That may be a little selfish, but hey, I created him! (We created him ;) )
Anyway, I'm going to try and soak up our last full day together, there will probably be lots of tears snuggles involved.
I hope you all have a wonderful Monday!
xx,
Melissa Loren

8 comments:

  1. I totally get it, my kids aren't babies but I have really been struggling with the anxiety of pursuing my career and education along with my family. Some days I just want to stay in bed with my kids and hubby and watch cartoons. :)

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    1. It's a tough decision. Unfortunately we don't have a choice right now. Well maybe we could make it happen, but it would be really tight. I'm going to try it at least.

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  2. Thinking of you today! Hope it's going well. :) I had a couple of questions and I was hoping you could email me when you have a free moment today. Thanks so much! I hope to hear from you soon. :)

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  3. That's hard... You will get into a groove again but I totally understand the feelings you are describing. I haven't decided yet if I will go back to work but I have a lot of mixed emotions about the idea. We are getting into a groove too but at the same time I wonder if exposure to someone else might also benefit my baby. The thought of missing out on precious moments though kills me. Aahh, being a mom is complicated!! So special but so hard too. Be sure to update us on how things go!
    Angela :)
    www.acharlescoach.com/blog

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  4. Being a SAHM, I couldn't imagine being away from my little guy 8+ hours a day! I felt the same way, not wanting to miss A THING that he did new. I too wanted him to be attached to me and with me all the time! I have enjoyed these 22 months being with him every day. Definitely the best moments of my life! It has not been without struggle however. In order for me to be home with him we had to cut back and make changes. Goodbye cable tv (hello Netflix & Hulu Plus). Goodbye going out, eating at restaurants and shopping. Hello Aldi! We have what we need, and not much more. But that's fine with us because Tyler has his mama, and boy oh boy is he a mamas boy! With all that said, and though I love our current situation and being with him every day, it does have a down side. Some days it's hard to get much done around the house, because he is always wanting to be RIGHT there or me holding him. He doesn't like to be with many other people besides me, which makes it difficult sometimes if I want to run errands solo or have mommy time! In the last 22 months I've probably been without him a handful of times! And trust me, that can test your sanity! Sometimes I envy working moms just for the simple fact that they get more adult enter action throughout their day! My mom, sisters and MIL all told me when T was a baby that a day would come when I would welcome a "day off" from him, to have a moment to myself and even go to the bathroom solo! I thought they were all INSANE! This was my first baby. He grew in me for 9 months, there was NO WAY I ever wanted to be without him!!! Well that day DID come, and don't get me wrong..I love that kid more than life itself and when I'm without him I constantly think about him and miss him, but a moment to myself to clean or grocery shop or grab a coffee or have a pedicure is just the little "recharge" I need! (Although 95% of the time I'm without him is spent cleaning and doing things around the house!) I don't know from experience but I'm 100% sure being a working mom has it's positives and negatives as well! Neither is the "right" or "perfect" answer. It's all about what works for your family!

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    1. Thank you so much for that thoughtful comment! I know what you mean about needing a break. Every momma deserves time to herself every now and then.

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